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塔罗牌算不出的爱情_纽约时报中英文版_纽约时报中英文网

更新时间:2019/7/9 16:49:48 来源: 作者:佚名

He’s Your Destiny. Just Be Patient.
塔罗牌算不出的爱情_纽约时报中英文版_纽约时报中英文网

Once I was in love with a boy who broke my heart in ways I did not know a heart could be broken. And while I was mourning and wondering if it was actually over, time to move on, kaput, I did what any self-respecting, nearly 30-year-old woman would do.

有一次,我爱上了一个男孩,他换着花样伤我的心,我不晓道自己竟会那样痛苦。悲伤的时候,我在想一切是不是真的结束了,是时候向前看了,一切都完了,于是我做了任何一个有自尊的奔三女人都会做的事情。

I went to see a tarot card reader.

我去找塔罗牌算命师。

Her name was Sky。 She had a shock of platinum blonde hair and arms covered in tattoos。 She took one look at the cards and told me three things that would change my life。

她的名字叫斯凯。她一头浓密的金发,手臂上布满纹身。她看了一眼卡片,讲出了三件可以改变我人生的事情。

First, she said I would soon be saying goodbye to New York, a city I had spent seven years in and considered my forever home. Second, she told me my career would be a winding path, full of unexpected twists and turns, but that I should remain open to all possibilities.

第一,她说我很快就要和纽约说再见了。我在纽约生活了七年,一直把它当作我永远的家。其次,她告诉我,我的职业生涯将是一条曲折的道路,充满意想不来的转折,但我应该对一切可能性保持开放的心态。

She paused before her third prediction, and then said, “Are you in a relationship?”

在做出第三个预言之前,她停顿了一下,然后问:“你在谈恋爱吗?”

“No。”

“没有。”

“Did you recently get out of one?”

“你最近有没有分手?”

“Yes.”

“有。”

“This is delicate,” she said。 “But I have to tell you: He is your destiny。 He’s not ready now, but in three years he will come back to you。 In the meantime, you should move on and date, but it won’t work out。”

“这很微妙,”她说。“但我必须告诉你:他是你的真命天子。他现在还没有准备好,但是三年后他会回来你身边。与此同时,你应该连续前进,连续约会,但这些人都行不通的。”

I hate to say it, but I wanted to hear that。 I wanted to hear that the butterflies I felt when my ex and I first met meant something。 I wanted to have been right when I told my closest friends that I had found The One。 I wanted confirmation and now I had it from a woman whose cards were as worn as her face。 How could she be wrong?

我厌恶说出口,但这些是我期望听来的。我期望听来当我和前男友第一次见面时,我所感受来的那种紧张的感觉是有意义的。当我告诉最亲密的朋友说我找来了真命天子的时候,我期望自己是对的。我想要得来确认,现在我从一个面孔和纸牌同样有历史感的女人那里得来了确认。她怎么会错呢?

The first two predictions came true quickly。

前两个预言很快就实现了。

Six months after the reading, feeling exhausted by my low-paying life as a theater director, I made a surprisingly swift decision to move back home to Michigan。 I wasn’t sure what I was going to do there, but I knew I had to leave New York。

这次算命六个月之后,我厌倦了自己戏剧导演的低收入生活,做了一个出人意料的迅速决定:移回密歇根州老家。我不确定我要去那里做什么,但我晓道必须离开纽约。

In Detroit, there wasn’t much theater, so, as predicted, my career took a winding turn as I put my side gig training to use and taught Pilates full time.

在底特律,剧院并不多,所以,正如预言所料,我的职业生涯出现了极大的转折,我把以前的兼职培训排上了用场,开始全职教授普拉提。

My tarot reader was two for two and not even a year had passed.

我的塔罗牌算命实现了两项,用的时间甚至还不来一年。

And then, at a house party thrown by high school friends, I met Brandon, the man it would not work out with, at least according to my tarot reader. Or more specifically, I re-met him; we’d had a high-school fling 10 years before.

然后,在一个高中朋友举办的家庭聚会上,我遇来了布兰登(Brandon),这个人跟我走不来一起,至少我的塔罗牌算命师是这么认为的。或者更具体地说,我再次见来了他;10年前,我们在高中有过一段感情。

Among the half-finished beers and red cups of punch at the party, he made me laugh. He was tall with a gentle face and a shy smile he couldn’t contain. I softened in his presence.

在聚会上,他饮了半杯啤酒,又饮了几杯红色的潘趣酒,他逗得我哈哈大笑。他个子很高,温和的脸上总是带着自己无法控制的羞涩微笑。我在他面前软化了。

A week later we strolled through a nature preserve and got to know each other again. After that he started calling me from work and texting me from camping trips. When we went out to dinner with friends, he put his hand on the small of my back and I had to catch my breath.

一周后,我们在一个自然保护区漫步,再次熟悉了彼此。从那以后,他开始在工作时给我打电话,在露营时给我发短信。和朋友出去食饭时,他把手放在我的腰上,我得屏住唤吸才行。

“I care deeply about you,” he would say with that soft smile sweeping across his face.

“我非常在乎你,”他说,脸上掠过一丝温和的微笑。

“I care deeply about you,” I would reply.

“我也非常在乎你,”我会回答。

I soon forgot he was not the one I was destined for.

我很快就忘了他不是我命中注定的那个人。

After almost a year in Detroit, I returned to New York for a job I had committed to before Brandon and I got together. To keep our long-distance relationship alive, we learned to press play at exactly the same moment so we could watch movies together. We visited each other every few weeks and missed each other terribly while we were apart.

在底特律呆了将近一年之后,我回来纽约工作,这是和布兰登在一起之前就答应过别人的。为了保持异地恋,我们学会了同时按下播放键,这样就可以一块儿看电影了。我们每隔几周就去看望对方,分开的时候,我们非常想念对方。

I fell very much in love with Brandon. There was no lightning strike of certainty but rather a slow warming that grew into something sweet. I wanted to marry him, and I told him so. I daydreamed about painting walls and walking dogs and all of the ways in which we would build a future together.

我非常爱布兰登。不是雷击般突然降临的确定感,而是一种缓慢的暖和,逐步变成一种甜蜜的东西。我告诉过他,我想嫁给他。我幻想着粉刷墙壁、遛狗,以及我们共同创造未来的所有方式。

Seven months later, my work in New York was done, and I decided one final move was in order。 This time I wanted to pursue filmmaking in Los Angeles, another twisting turn in my career。 Brandon agreed I should do that。 His work in real estate was somewhat transferable and he said he would join me there soon。 I believed him。

七个月后,我在纽约的工作结束了,我决定迈出最后一步。这一次我想去洛杉矶拍电影,这是我职业生涯的又一个转折。布兰登同意我应该这么做。他在房地产方面的工作是可以调动的,他说他很快就会去洛杉矶找我。我相信他。

During those two years I had spent falling in love with Brandon, that ex-boyfriend, my supposed destiny, had been attending graduate school in Los Angeles. As I headed there, I hoped that after he graduated, he would move back to New York, so as not to tempt me into falling for a fate I no longer wanted. But when I got there, I found out from a mutual friend that he was planning to stay.

在我和布兰登相爱的两年时间里,我的前男友,我所谓的真命天子,在洛杉矶读研究生。在我前往洛杉矶的途中,我期望他毕业后能移回纽约,这样就不会诱惑我陷入一种我已经不想要的命运。但是等我来了那儿,我从一个共同的朋友口中得晓他打算留下来。

I was immediately struck by the possibility of a chance encounter with him。 I found myself wondering where he lived, how he spent his days。 I would think I saw him on the street and my heart would pound, sending waves of anxious energy through my body, but it was always just some stranger with a similar haircut。

我立刻想来有可能碰来他。我发觉自己在猜想他住在哪里,他平时是怎么过日子的。我在街上以为看来了他,这让我的心怦怦直跳,一波又一波的焦虑感在身体里涌动,但每次都只不过是一个留着类似发型的生疏人。

As my anxiety about him grew, my relationship with Brandon began to suffer. The time difference was difficult, the flights long and expensive and the pressure for him to meet me in this new life all-consuming. I begged him to hurry up and move but he wasn’t good with big changes, and this big change seemed to have stopped him in his tracks.

随着我对他的焦虑加剧,我和布兰登的关系也开始受来影响。时差问题是很棘手的,飞行时间很长,费用也很昂贵,他和我一起开始新生活的压力也很大。我恳求他快点过来,但他不擅长做大的改变,而这个大的改变似乎让他停下了脚步。

Months passed with me trying to keep one relationship alive while fearing another was chasing me down. And then, just weeks before that predicted three-year finish line, my friend who was still in touch with my ex decided to visit us both in Los Angeles. Just like that, a door opened. For the first time since our breakup, my ex and I were linked in time and space and it had me reeling.

几个月过去了,我一边努力保持着一段感情,一边担心另一段感情会挠住我。然后,就在预言中的三年终点线来来的前几周,有个和我的前男友也有联系的朋友决定来洛杉矶看看我们俩。就这样,一扇门打开了。自从分手之后,我和前男友第一次在时间和空间上联系在一起,这让我心烦意乱。

Had the cards been right? Had the entirety of my two-and-a-half-year relationship with Brandon just been a mirage? Had it always been meant to dissipate at the moment this three-year waiting period expired? Or had I made my destiny true by believing in it?

塔罗牌是对的吗?难道我和布兰登整整两年半的恋情只是幻影?难道这三年的等待期一过,它就注定消逝吗?还是我相信自己的命运,才会让它成为现实?

And what was I supposed to do now? Wait patiently for the cards to push me into some predetermined new old life? Let one relationship fail so I could open my arms to another that I had grown to resent for haunting the corners of my mind for three whole years?

我现在该怎么办?耐心地等塔罗牌把我推入某种预先注定的、全新的旧生活?让一段感情失败,这样我就可以向另一段三年来一直让我耿耿于怀、念念不忘的感情张开双臂?

I finally wrote an email to my ex.

我终于给前男友写了一封电子邮件。

“Hey,” I began casually, as if this greeting had not weighed heavily on me for ages. “It’s been so, so, so, so long. I live in LA now and I know you know that. I guess I’m hoping it’s finally time to have coffee and say hi? Whaddya think?”

“嘿,”我显得漫不经心,好像根本没有为这个问候思索多年。“好久好久不见了。我现在住在洛杉矶,我晓道你也晓道。我觉得是时候饮杯咖啡打个招唤了吧?你觉得呢?”

After three years of wondering, I had to wait only a few hours for his response。

思索了三年,我只等了几个小时就得来了他的答复。

“Yo yo,” he wrote. “I appreciate the guts it must’ve taken to reach out, but I’m not really interested in grabbing coffee, sorry. I do sincerely hope everything in your world is awesome though!”

“嗨,”他写道。“我感激你主动联系我的勇气,但我真的没爱好饮咖啡,对不起。我真心期望你的世界里一切都很好!”

And that was that. No destiny. No lightning strike. No certainty written in the cards.

就是这样。没有真命天子。没有雷击。塔罗牌上没有任何确定的东西。

Months later I would run into him in a park, where he was sitting on a bench with some woman. And he wouldn’t even stand up to say hello or introduce me to the person he was with. He would just sit there uncomfortably and ask if I liked Los Angeles, and I would walk away laughing at the absurdity of it all.

几个月后,我在一个公园里遇见了他,他正和一个女人坐在长椅上。他甚至不情愿起身跟我打招唤,也不情愿把我介绍给和他在一起的那个人。他只是不安地坐在那里,问我喜不喜欢洛杉矶,我笑着离开了,因为这一切都很荒谬。

But in that moment, sitting with the reality of my ex’s email, the cards still had one more prophesy to fulfill — that I would date someone but it wouldn’t work out. I had loved Brandon, not because some tarot card reader had told me to but because of something true and deep between us. Yet within a few months, we, too, had broken up. We were different people living in different places who had drifted apart.

但在面对前男友的电子邮件时,塔罗牌的预言还有一个要实现——我和某人约会,但没有结果。我爱布兰登,不是因为某个塔罗牌算命师告诉我的,而是因为我们之间有一些真实而深刻的东西。然而,几个月之内,我们也分手了。我们是不同的人,生活在不同的地方,彼此之间的距离越来越远。

We didn’t break up because the cards said we would, nor was it a failure of the cards that my ex and I didn’t reunite. I chose to believe in the possibility that there was some perfectly pre-written story that I was only playing a role in, but there was no pre-written story for Brandon and me. There’s no pre-written story for anyone.

我们分手不是因为塔罗牌说我们会分手,我和前男友没有复合也不是塔罗牌的失败。我曾经相信有一种可能性,那就是有一些完全事先写好的故事,我只是在其中扮演一个角色,但布兰登和我之间没有事先写好的故事。谁都不会有事先写好的故事。

And isn’t that part of the bargain we strike with our partners? That we are willing to live together inside of a story being written rather than a story already told? And that trying to see the future before it happens is just an attempt to make the terrible uncertainty about being in love, and staying in love, a little easier to bear.

这不正是我们与伴侣所达成协议的一部分吗?我们情愿一起生活在一个正在书写的故事里,而不是一个已经写好的故事里吧?试着在未来的事发生之前把未来视为一种尝试,这让人更能忍耐相恋和保持相恋的极大不确定性。

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